Just dropped off M at her first day of preschool. For the first time, I am on the parent-end of leaving your kid in the arms of a stranger as she is crying “Mammmmmmmmmmma!” My irrational fears take over: do they tell her to suck it up as soon as I am gone? Do they leave her crying off to the side? My goodness, how I want to stay! Luckily, parent-peer pressure helps me leave, tail between my legs. I hug my kid, kiss her, tell her I love her and walk out with heavy feet. After all, they didn’t pick the same way to spell my kid’s name that I did. 😉
In the comfort of the coffee shop, I tell myself to let go: c’mon, jump into the pot of hot peachy tea in front of you! Take in the buzz of the cafe you haven’t heard in years. No dice, I am no longer used to it. Oh my goodness, where is J-man? It feels like the first time in 7 months he is not on my boob or touching my body. Shouldn’t I be shopping for everything on the list? Shouldn’t I be catching up on sleep, laundry? Ahh, sleep, what a notion.
I stay, texting a friend under the watchful eye of the guilt-muffin I bought for M’s pick-up: “Wanna cry. Have been so tired. It’s been three years of dedicating every moment to my daughter. Oh my. I am alone.”
ALONE, what is this like? WHO am I?
Iain (my partner in crime, life, insanity) breaks into thoughts with a text: “Rancho-relaxo, baby.” Can he hear me? Oh, why fight it? Of course he can. Iain continues our zen-zap conversation via text / producer-speak, “I wrote, then storyboarded , reference-videoed and implanted them.” All I can do is laugh through my tears. I am married to a self-made producer, who is producing me. It’s my life, starring me, produced by my loving husband who is a mighty fine “get the job done kind of guy.” (Specifically, “it’s got to be either cheap and fast, or good and cheap. Something’s got to give, unless it is cost plus…”) How lucky am I?! Some days it works especially well because I am more of an impractical “let’s do everything all at once” kind of girl; ahem, that’s how I ended up with many degrees and certifications that “enrich” my life.